February Public Service Announcements from the Universe

Dear People of the World,






I come to you today making public service announcements for the month of February. These matters are of import, as they directly impact the citizens around you. Most of your fellow human beings are thinking the following on a daily basis when faced with the situations below. Perhaps being clearer on these matters will sort out the apparent confusion clouding these common social conventions. As always, I make every effort to act in the best interest of the public at large.

1.   When a stoplight quits working, it becomes a 4-way stop sign.
You did learn this in Driver’s Ed, but apparently, you have forgotten. Come to a complete stop, look all ways, and proceed when it’s your turn. Right of way is given in order of arrival at the stop. There are no exceptions to this procedure. Rules of the thoroughfare demand that you comply. Otherwise, you’re an a$$#0!& who is likely to cause an accident.

2.   Return your shopping cart to the designated area.
Honestly, walk 100 feet and put your cart in the return stall. It’s not that hard, and you’re not in that big of a rush. If you indeed had been faced with a life and death situation, you would have walked out of the store without your groceries and left your cart there. You’re putting others’ automobiles at risk, and making some poor employee run after your stray cart in the rain. Boo on you.

3.   Stop hashtagging selfies with #breakfast, #yum, #yummy, and #dessert.
This is directed primarily toward users of Instagram, but it is applicable on any social media that allows hashtags. You are not human food, and tigers don’t use Instagram. Only cannibals eat other people, and trust me, it’s not glamorous or hot. So unless you have some weird fascination with Hannibal Lector, just stop, and if you do have a weird fascination with Hannibal Lector, the internet perhaps isn’t the best place to explore it.

4.   Leggings are not pants.
Please, Sisters. Don’t wear them like pants. Wear them under a dress, wear them under a long sweater or shirt, but please don’t let them be the only article of clothing between us and your panties (or your behind). There are a handful of you athletic enough that such a display doesn’t cause the rest of the human population to swallow vomit, but even you look like you are traipsing about in your underwear. No one is taking you seriously. The only people who can actually get away with this and not obliterate their credibility are dancers.

5.   Please read signs.
Signs exist for a reason – to give you information. Some of this information is irrelevant, like advertisements, but most of it actually impacts you and those around you. Examples of such include road signs, cautionary notices, DOT alerts, and signs on the doors or counters of any business establishment. Nothing makes you look more idiotic than asking a question when the information is placed eye-level before you in size 100 font. Often, you don’t really even have to read these signs. Symbols and pictures get the message across if you only pay attention.

Thank you for your consideration in these matters.

Very Truly Yours, The Universe









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