February 2015 Public Service Announcements from the Universe

 

 

 

 

 

It has been one year since I began making public service announcements, and unfortunately, I am making them still. Please continue to consider the matters I bring to your attention. By making a few adjustments to your behavior, you will make life more pleasant for those around you and for yourself. You will also make it much harder for your neighbors to hate you. As always, please pay attention, as these specific matters apparently need clarification.

1) Stop Writing “Open” Letters.
Or better yet, keep writing letters, but stop creating stupid titles that use the term “open letter”. It is redundant and irrelevant. Any letter that appears online or in a magazine or newspaper is obviously “open” for anyone to read. Let’s be honest. When you say “open letter”, you really mean, “Here’s a letter to this person who has annoyed me. I’m speaking my mind, but don’t have the cahones to actually send the letter to him/her. I’d rather just b!*(# behind someone’s back than express how I feel face-to-face.” Just call your blustering collection of words a letter. Or write an article expressing your opinion. Or just give it a real title that is interesting. By calling it an “open letter”, you just ensured many in your audience won’t read it.

2) Please Refrain From Using Per in Most Forms of Communication.
Per is an extremely formal word that is useful only to lawyers, government officials, and top ranking business executives. Outside of communication within these circles, it has no place, especially not in routine emails, letters, or conversation. Stop pretending. You’re trying to sound smart, and really what you have told everyone is you’re trying too hard. Because or as will serve your purpose.

3) Stop Trying to Fight People.
Really? What are we? Five? What are you trying to prove? You look like a hothead, and no one wants to hire you now that you’ve made a scene. Rather than throwing punches, possibly having your @$$ handed to you, and getting the cops involved, let’s try just walking away this time. Nothing anyone says to you is worth it. You’ll probably live longer and be more successful… unless you’re a professional MMA fighter.

4) Stop Saying Stupid Stuff That Makes People Want to Fight You.
You didn’t really think I was going to let you of the hook, did you? What is your problem? Why do you feel the need to insult, disrespect, and contribute to an escalating situation? This is especially true when you are in a public place. Your mother was right. Keep your mouth shut because every time you open it you look like a self-centered d!&%. No one thinks you’re a bad@SS, and you don’t look cool. Everyone just believes you’re an idiot.

5) Appreciate What You Have.
While striving to succeed and achievement is important, don’t lose your peace of mind, happiness, or your soul. This will benefit you and everyone around you. Though you may “want it all”, you will never have it all. You don’t need it all, and it’s inappropriate to take from others so you can have it all. So do yourself and everyone else a favor. Don’t be greedy and value what you have.

As always, thank you for your attention to these matters. The world and all of its inhabitants, especially your fellow human beings, appreciate your compliance.