August Public Service Announcements From the Universe

 

 

 

 

 

 

I come to you speaking on matters that are imperative to harmonious life within a community. Please give your attention to the following matters. Refusing to do so disrupts the peace of your fellow citizens. You are putting them out, and they are beginning to resent you. Just stop. You will need their assistance some day, and then where will you be? So please remedy the following forthwith.

1. Stop swinging wide when you make a turn in traffic.
This is especially critical when multiple lanes of traffic move in a single direction. When you swing wide, you are entering the another driver’s lane. They are out of room and swerving to miss you. Everyone knows you are making allowances for the length of your vehicle, but there is really no need. Engineers have already made such allowances for normal axles when they designed the road. These engineers were paid big bucks to ensure you could safely make the turn without major adjustments to your trajectory. You are driving a Prius. So please, just stay straight, and make your turn. Of course, if you are driving an over-sized truck, limousine, or big rig or are pulling a trailer, this does not apply to you.

2. Clean up your dog’s poop.
Your fellow citizens do not mind your dog. It’s a dog. It’s doing its thing. You, however, are very aware of property lines. You are aware that you dog is pooping in a yard that is not yours. Your neighbors should not be forced to clean up your dog’s poo. You chose the dog; your neighbor did not. It’s your responsibility. Just so you know, your neighbors are organizing. Here are their options: 1) bring all their dogs your yard to relieve themselves and just walk away or 2) bag the poo, bring it to your doorstep, and set it aflame. Additionally, please show some curtsey when your dog is in public parks. Runners don’t appreciate stepping in it, and not all runners are adept leaping hurdles. Remember that this applies to canines of all sizes.

3. Don’t tap your breaks to send tailgaters a message when on the highway doing 70 mph.
Really? How did you conclude that this is a good idea? Without doing the math, let’s just leave it at fast moving vehicles don’t stop or slow as quickly as those moving at a lower speed. While everyone detests a tailgater, know that you almost killed the driver in the right lane when that tailgater had to swerve over. (Did you not notice the guardrail to your left?) Here’s a thought – if you don’t want to speed, move over into the right lane! Let the speedys pass. Don’t tap your breaks. Those driving like they have some sense prefer to arrive at their destinations unscathed.

4. Stop complaining about life being so hard.
You’re right. Life is hard. It’s always been hard. This is not a new revelation, and it is not profound. Most people in your community already know this, and they don’t need to be reminded. Complaining about it doesn’t help. Recognizing it, embracing it, and moving on does. Work hard at whatever you do. You may be rewarded but before that happens you will probably wonder time out of mind why you’re working so hard. Either way, once you’ve embraced this fact, you won’t be torturing yourself so much, you’ll probably feel better, and you may even feel excited for the challenge of life.

Unless you are living in the wild away from other humans, please remember to comply with the above community tenets. Living in groups demands that you engage in some activity for the common good, whether it is your initial reaction to the situation or not. Thank you for your attention to these matters.